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All Comments (171):

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fishpatrick
7/3/2009 10:03 PM
Make it, 'Diamond glints fixate my gaze, as he hums...' Might this be a dream-like tale reminiscent of Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, i.e., '...his voice was all I could hear'?


fishpatrick
7/3/2009 9:57 PM
Kay, in 'Ophidian' - a title I like, by the way - you begin in present tense, then midway shift to past tense: this has a jarring effect on the reader and will quickly dissolve the imagery you are trying to create in his head.


fishpatrick
7/3/2009 9:41 PM
One more thing: try not to fall in love with your words. Don't be satisfied with the first thing you write on the page just because you're convinced it's better than anything else you can possibly come up with. You'll think of something.


fishpatrick
7/3/2009 9:35 PM
and should be replaced with words whose meaning shows the reader what you are feeling instead of telling him. Use more imagery: after all, it was your dream, which is usually a visual experience.


fishpatrick
7/3/2009 9:32 PM
I read your poem, Amber. I think 'A Dream' may have a subtitle: A Mystery. To use the word reoccur - you should use spell-check - & then follow it with the words 'over and over' is redundant. Also, words such as 'fear' & 'odd' are too vague


SlipperyWh...
7/3/2009 9:49 AM
Ophidian has great cadence, Kaysalady. Good work Linda


SlipperyWh...
7/2/2009 8:52 AM
Lots of good work here.


fishpatrick
7/2/2009 6:26 AM
Should you decide - against my forewarning - to peek behind the 'Mask' anyway, you will better understand the protagonist if you take a look at his female counterpart in My Media: THE FINANDROMORPH


Pinupsamiee
7/1/2009 9:58 PM
Let's all vote for my short story (SCREAMS) please!!


fishpatrick
7/1/2009 9:38 PM
If you can help it, try to resist the temptation to read 'The Mask of the Ancient Mariner:' I didn't know there would be so many teens entering this contest...I suspect it might be too graphic for your sensibilities & for that, I apologize.


ChangeInTh...
6/29/2009 3:00 PM
trevor your poem is SO good... thanks for sharing something so great :)


Cassplash
6/29/2009 12:29 PM
I just wanna say thank you to all those who voted for me...I appreciate it! :) Cassie:)


SlipperyWh...
6/29/2009 9:07 AM
I read and voted for it too, Trevor Linda


trevorhoen
6/28/2009 6:28 PM
I really want to thank you all for your votes on my poem, "Orphan." It's a special poem to me. To those who haven't read it, if you'd just read it I'd be really happy. It's more of peopleing hearing than the votes to me. Thank you. -Trevor


ChangeInTh...
6/28/2009 3:40 PM
Hey you all should read my story :) I'd love it if you voted for me :)


Scottsgirl93
6/27/2009 9:23 AM
Thanks fer all the votes!!!!!!! Much appreication!!!!!!!! XD


beyourownm...
6/26/2009 5:15 PM
Hey why was my media deleted and removed. I obeyed terms and conditions. I just can't use microsoft word on my computer.:(


redheadcut...
6/26/2009 12:41 PM
pleze vote 4 me!


SlipperyWh...
6/26/2009 9:59 AM
Thx for the votes : ) Much appreciated


beyourownm...
6/24/2009 11:44 PM
LIES! I started the "first" Writing Contest.! :D Someon please vote for me. Pwease.


Janese
6/18/2009 7:34 PM
Very powerful and descriptive! Too many little girls in this world, understand this story all too well! You did a good job putting a voice to that pain!