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There was the darkness again, When it would leave me I would never know, But for the moment it was here, And there was no room to run to, No lights to turn off or conceal, What was happening before me, It was all to real, all to painful, My breathing was labored just like it had been, And I was young not yet two digits, And I saw your face so horrid and hate filled, And I thought of running away again, I couldn't take it but that's what always happened, One scream, two screams, muffled screams, No! No! No! I begged them, my tears burning, Clouding my judgment, not caring who had started it but just wishing it would stop, But they would never listen, never care what their little ones said, because they were pocessed, I began to believe that the devil lured it's victims with violence, heartbreak, and lies, when I asked would it stop? I felt as if he were laughing at me, He knew it would never and I was there praying at night, every damn night, to who? My father would laugh as the preacher would say his sermon, in fact he never went, it was all in my head, He cursed and cursed him out with them blood shot eyes and I would close my eyes tighter at night, Pray and wonder who I was praying to? I would begin Dear god, squeezing my eyes,(so shut I don't believe any demons could pry them open as i prayed) Please wash away my sins,(and what sins?) I had wondered, what exactly had I done that was so wrong? Watching them beat each other? Watching as they drank the poison that ran in their veins? Or contemplating taking my own life? Had I been so influenced, that I was renanacting what they had done and I'd sworn I'd never be? My heart ached because I knew something was wrong yet, I didn't know it at the time. But wasn't your father supposed to love you? what did he think when there was a a child already born with brown hair and brown eyes and a young mother in which he took over. How do you love something you didn't create, yet you claim anyways, was it my fault I began to wonder and wonder yet I didn't know he wasn't at the time, I would sit in my room with the shadows I describe it entirely how it was, because it was my escape and my friends that changed so rapidly, I thought he loved me, the images now are slurred, but there were moments when I belonged. When his obsession with my brothers hadn't taken over and I was special even for just a moment, Because I was the only girl, even if I wasn't his and even if he had one already that he loved but wasn't near, how she must feel? I used to envy her, because she was his daughter and I wasn't and it seemed I would never forget it, so why did I cry when i disappointed him or when they laughed at me, and made me feel like dirt that they would walk on, and why would I care that he favored his own before me any day, and why didn't she leave when he hurt us? Where was the strength she showed when she was fighting him? and why was i continually falling? We were alone, no one to help, no one to find us, That's why we lived so far, away from the constant reminders of what she had become and the, disapproving faces, and the broken heart she was still nursing. I guess she was dumb to think that she could handle it all on her own but she lost herself, and she's never found herself again. Bringing me back to the nights when my eyes were tightly shut, and I would continue with my prayers, "Dear god please help us. Please make them stop. I beg of you, help, I'll do anything. I won't ever do bad, please God just help." And there would be a pause occupied by my tears and I would pray with all my little heart. All that was still warm and that the ice hadn't consumed yet and I would pray, the same thing, I don't know if he heard, it didn't seem that way, because I was still crying myself to sleep and I could still see the light under my door and the cries from the hallway, I knew they'd never change. And than she would come into my room and she was mad, maybe because i had caused all of her grief from the beginning when i was born and he left her Maybe it was all my fault or maybe because we both seemed to be his targets I don't know maybe he just didn't love girls He found them weak and it was funny when he showed them just how weak they were But there was a part of me that knew he was gone. He wasn't sane, and every year he would drown more and more until he would drown so low he wouldn't make it. Like I said there were times when I felt like I belonged when I would go with him, when he was sober and he forget why he treated me the way he did that endless spot of hate he held just for me. Did he have a heart? I think he did, once upon a time when the God hadn't taken everything away from him, when he was happy Before drink found him, before he failed at love When he knew not about heartbreak, but that was long, long ago when he was young before they took away his mom and he was alive, and maybe even then he could have been working himself to the way, he is now, 6 kids not including me and two ex wives that despised him. So in my life I've always strived to be someone, anyone He could be proud of, both of them the one who left me and didn't want me and the one who had me and didn't want me coming back to when she's in my room and I know she's been drinking, i can tell no matter how well she tries to hide it, I can always tell, she doesn't believe me and no one else knows like I do but it's true it's something about the way she talks the way she acts, the way she pronounces things just a slight bit looser with her tongue, I know this I've become an expert now but even then Ive know it I must be two digits now, barley seeing the world barley understanding that he isn't my father and now knowing during the battle of which I favor, I pity them both, it's true, But What can I do? What can any one do when your doomed and that's what they were, doomed. From the moment they met. Two people so opposite it could never last. How can you fit in, when your never in one place for more than a year and when people only know you for what your parents do, how do you convince others you aren't the same? How do you keep your head high when their starring you down and you know the truth and they don't understand I've never been comfortable in my own skin, how can you when your being told how worthless you are, and then there were the bribes when information had a price, a parent knew how to deceive to get what he wanted and how do you live knowing that he only was nice because he wanted something, that's the only thing genuine was the way he acted when he turned his back and told you to go away, For the world no one knew, no one will know entirely how it went down, no one will ever know. Because there are somethings not even I will allow myself to remember and they will stay where they belong Where I won't allow them to surface again. except for the screams, that I hear, that won't fade that are so loud, that haunt me, that are coming out of my mouth.

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This is a short story of a point in my life. I hope you all like it.


12/30/2009 2:39 PM Premium
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Votes: 6
Views: 1,557
Date: 6/18/09
Art: Other